Nicole Kidman Was “Struggling” During 2003 Oscars Win After Finalizing Divorce From Tom Cruise

Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise's Daughter Posts Rare Selfie

Nicole Kidman is looking back at a complicated time.

Though she reached a major career milestone in 2003 when she took home an Oscar for her role in The Hours, Nicole admits she was grappling with a difficult time in her personal life. Not long before her win, she and Tom Cruise finalized their divorce after 11 years of marriage.

"I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well," Nicole told author Dave Karger in his new book 50 Oscar Nights, according to People. "That's what happens, right?" 

In fact, the Big Little Lies star—who shares daughter Isabella, 30, and son Connor, 28, with her ex-husband—recalled she wasn't quite up to celebrating after her big win.

"I'm not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party," she added, "and everyone was like, ‘You've got to go. You've got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award. I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn't feel humble.' Like, what? You can't walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They're like, ‘That's what you do.'"

photosNicole Kidman and Keith Urban's Sweetest Moments

So, that's just what Nicole did—except she wasn't truly in the moment.

"I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn't enjoy it," she explained. "I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more."

And after leaving the party, the 56-year-old noted a revelation came to her.

JOHN G. MABANGLO/AFP via Getty Images

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"I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel," she shared. "I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That's when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life."

The Undoing alum recalled, "Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.' I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I'm telling you, I'd be out for 24 hours."

Nicole Kidman Was “Struggling” During 2003 Oscars Win After Finalizing Divorce From Tom Cruise

And at least some of those hours would no doubt be spent with husband Keith Urban, who she wed in 2006. As the pair—who are parents to Sunday, 14, and Faith, 12—have noted, they'll always be there for each other through all the highs and lows.

"Meeting her and getting married wasn't life-changing, it was life-beginning," Keith told CBS News in 2016. "It was literally, like, 'OK, life starts.'"

Keep reading for a look back at their sweetest moments.

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